With a very trying, life altering mind boggling year behind me … I am just happy to “KISS” … Keep It Simple Sista … and do my thing on my terms. So here we go. Not only is this the the first post of the new year – but its the first post of MY new year … as I finally hit forty. FORTY represented renewal to me and I’ve been wanting to be FORTY since I was probably about 25 … I thought of course that I would have different things going on physically but the premise was still the same. I wanted to be older AND wiser … and I wanted to feel like I had a purpose and the right to say things in this life. The road travelled to 40 was not as easy as I think it could have been. I know I had a lot to do with it being hard – and I know that some things are just supposed to be as they are. So it was a combination of  FREE WILL and GOD’S WILL that got me to this point.

I must admit although the last few months of my 39th year felt like a crash course in … COMPASSION, HEART, PAIN, DETERMINATION, RESOLVE, GIVE-A-DAMN, FRIENDSHIP, FAMILY, LOVE, SPIRITUALITY and most of all HUMILITY. I’m not saying that I was necessarily lacking in these areas – but I will say I didnt have the perspective that I have now. As I go on … I will touch on all of these and how I’ve changed and of course my soo sought after opinion on these subjects (HAHA) because I just feel the need to be able to look back on this all and see where I’ve been.

For my fortieth birthday my best friend who has been there from the beginning of this health issue … gave me a card that listed pretty much all of the things that I’ve been through (and I WILL SHARE IT LATER) … but she pretty much reminded me of how much of a soldier I was. I may not be in full uniform at all times – but still I fought. I’m a vet of life. (shouts out to our real Vets and active duties) – but I really needed that to see where I’d been. 

When I started writing this blog – I wrote because it felt good … I wrote because it was giving me everything I needed. Thennnn I started censoring myself … I started writing because I knew people were reading and I didnt want to offend or I didnt want to be judged on what was going on in my life … then I got sick.  And I wrote because I needed to feel alive because I was for all intents and purposes “dying” … thennnn I wrote and censored myself to keep from showing what was going on … to keep from giving people the opportunity to say “oh I’m sooo sorry” or spout some religious rhetoric at me (and yes I said now what???) so I just stopped writing because what I felt and what I knew could BE FELT was not in alignment – and so I quit.  I quit. I fuckin’ quit.  I have almost died 2 times in the last 9 months … I have fought for my life this entire time and I am still on the battlefield … and for all that time that I’ve felt bad I purposely QUIT something that made me feel good – because I didnt know how it would be taken.

It’s bullshit … and I realize that – but it happened and I’ve built a bridge and I’m over it … come with? 

With total release
She smiled from within …
At the final thrusts of his arrival

She relaxed her mind
Looked in his eyes to find …
The secret to her survival

Once again on a level far more
than one could understand

She had taken it all to the root of her soul
She had pleased the man

She loved him …

She did …

Indeed

Only he could speak to her core
Only he could fulfill her need

She loved him …
With far more than she knew

Not for physical appearances
Or the finesse of what he could do

She loved him

He was her reservation
Her inspiration

But still with hesitation

She loved him

All that he was … in that moment – she had to have
Everything she was … she gave

Everything she needed he supplied …
Everything she was … he craved

She wondered much … what it was
That made him love her true …

When she asked she was always met …
With a quick …
and simple …
“cause you’re you”

He loved her …
Yes he did

Although he’d never admit

He loved her
With all he was …
He saw his perfect fit …

He loved her
He saw in her
A strength she didnt see in herself …

He loved her …

Simple as that …
He couldn’t say much else

Him pleased … and resting easy
She got lost in her thought

As she drifted off …
Ok with the submit …

Wondering why she’d ever faught

This easy trust
and eventual love
was more than she could stand …

But at least she knew that on tonight …

She had pleased this man

~Intuition 12.12.11~

Not knowing her power

She …

allowed herself to sometimes be
misused … mishandled …

But she always … “bounced” back

And she was …
My friend …
My enemy …
My voice of reason …
My illogical conscious …

And she was always …

There

I miss her

And she is …

Watching
Smiling
Laughing
Loving

Resting …

Finally what she always wanted

—-

Random thoughts about my good friend … who’s spirit lives on through her children. MY DIVAS

Rest easy … ~peace~

I like painting pictures with my words …

I like to speak from the depth of my soul
spilling
feelings
until the story is told …

I dig that shit -

I like feeling the energy
When I give you me …
and its all about me …
telling you …
about me …

Wit’ my vain ass

I love it when …
I get to the end
and something within me is still trying to go on
and on
and on …

Monotony be damned …

I love how when I finally finish writing …

There’s already another one
that has begun …
to birth itself within my cerebral cortex

And I can once again express
My simple complexity to you

Cause I’m a lyrical mutha … yea

But more than anything
I appreciate how once the writing is done
And the ink dries …

I can rest assure that by my cries …
Leaking from my pen …

You know … I was here
And shall be … in all I am
once again

~Intuition 12.1.11~

You’ve turned your back on me

You no longer see who I am
Because I am no longer who you
THOUGHT
You saw …

My affliction has totally fucked with your addiction
To me

So you run

Cause God forbid I not be what you see
In your mind

This parting was an inevitability
I saw it coming long ago …

Just not for this reason

But I felt our season…
would definitely begin to slow

Just not this soon

Cause I’m still in tune …
with you …

I still feel you …

At least I try -

Maybe cause its that at this time
In this place

I have NOTHING TO DO …

So I turn to you

Who in turn …
turns away

You probably don’t even know you’re doin it

Although you are intuitive …

You do tend to ignore yourself
when its me -

I can’t say its not effectin me
or else I wouldn’t be

Up AT SIX A M WRITING ABOUT IT

When you love something … let it go
so I can’t begin to stop your flow

Hell, I never wanted to tie you down

I just wanted to let you know
that as you move on to your next show …

I truly miss having you around -

I’m not saying you need to come back …
or even turn your back

So that you once again face me

Cause like I said …
I know in your head …

Shit aint how it use to be

I’m not trying to think for you
Just trying to rationalize MY loss

That’s just the shit I tend to do

When I feel my soul’s been tossed.

~Intuition 11.18.11~

You use to inspire me …

You use to have my back and had a knack for taking me
with you … wherever you went

In my mind you could do no wrong …

You use to move me …

You made me feel safe

I was able to say what I wanted
when I wanted
how I wanted

And you always understood …

And I thought you always would …

You made me feel like my world
was your world

And your world
Was my world …

There was no one else allowed

And I must admit I bowed …
to what I felt was your genius

Cause it was just us …

I felt you
You felt me …

It was US

You made me think you cared
And I declared us a force …

Something to be reckoned with …
A no-nonsense
Take no prisoners
Duo

And you know …

I was kinda sorta right.

Even though … I didnt know … much about who you were

You still covered me
Renewed me

Damn I think you saw threw me

But …

Since I can’t get right
And you continue your fight …

to remain …

Anonymous …

You remain synonymous

With … non – existent …

Merely a figment

Of my … “I want to be loved” Imagination

~Intuition 11.17.11~

I think that when you see the whole truth and nothing but the truth
You will find that I am not FLAW proof

I’m guessing …

Hey now!  … Look at us!

We are strong
Play long
Love hard …
Even when done wrong …

Look at us!

We mean well …
Walk through hell
… and back
And still stand …

Ha … You see we?

We doubt …
but still trust …
get shifted
pushed …
and pulled …
but still adjust

We hurt… but
We survive

Shiiiit just look at us

~Intuition 11.8.11~

Since inception you’ve lived in deception
Unable to handle the truth

I love you always …
And I’ll be there the days
when it seems none will stand for you

But ur love 4 me is … covert
With discomfort so overt

I just say … thats how you are.

I’ve been warned about how you’ll treat me
Abuse short of beatin’ me
Simply cause you’re not ok with yourself

Livin life by public opinion
Disliking those that don’t give in

Does it matter that I’m still there?

Or are you so taken by pain
That you try in vain
to show a genuine “care”

I just say … it’ll get better

I think I’ve done my part
I’ve come from my heart
and even put you before myself …

Say a little prayer
That the feelings I share …

Will some how sear through YOUR self doubt

Maybe even cast out …

any feelings of disdain
you have for me.

Cause … ur love 4 me … is
nonexistent at best …
clearly saved for the rest …

Now I accept …

Defeat

~ Intuition 10.29.11 ~

Don’t talk to me …

Don’t ask me how I’m doing
When we both know you dont care

Don’t ask me why I decided to leave
When you didnt talk to me when I was there

Don’t ask me whats new in my life
Just so you can offer the same from yours

I’ll be honest
I do NOT care
So you’ll hear no exciting out pours

I dont care what you “finsta” to do
“bout to”
Or your plans …

I really couldn’t care less
About your adoring fans

I dont want to be your “extra” ear
when the others are tired of your voice

And I damn sure aint trying to hear the lie
About how I was your “first choice”

I’m not trying to hear you tell me you’re broke
And then tell me what you bought

(you know cause it was lookin so cute
and hell that was a sale you caught)

I dont need to know about what the other person’s doing
Or how you got imaginary haters

Cause I’ll cut you low
And let you know
Ya stupid … sooner than later

I dont need for you to express your opinion
On “issues” that don’t matter

Talkin shit …
Swallowin spit
When all I hear is ya teeth chatter …

I’m tired of the extra effort
to be civil and smile like I care

While sitting there
With a blank stare

Wondering why you decided to share

I suggest you go your way

And decide to let me be

Be a star … on your personal stage

And simply …

Don’t talk to me.

~Intuition 6.24.11~